Well hello everyone!

How have you all been? Hope you all had a nice summer, and a nice spring too since I wasn't here then either..

Let me warn you though, I'm feeling very philosophical these days, asking myself a whole lot of questions about myself and my life and everything else. I'll understand if you guys are not interested in reading or sharing thoughts and feelings on a variety of subjects. Introspection and debate are good ways to better ourselves, in my opinion. Anyway, if I haven't already lost most of my dA friends due to my prolonged absence, I will after this journal! Let's begin!

First off, as some of you might know, I'm pregnant with a little girl, who will be named Lily, as this name bears much meaning for me. I'm now 23 weeks pregnant and I find myself so uncomfortable all the time, I wonder how some women can have four, five, ten kids.. Honestly, adoption seems a much better idea at the moment..
Being pregnant brings up a lot of doubts, fears as well as something very new: responsibilities.. Yeah, once she'll be born, I won't be living only for myself anymore.

I wonder, is it selfish to ponder the meaning of your own life and actions while others have their homes torn apart by hurricanes? Well, it's not like the weather spared us, we had a big forest fire two weeks ago, and then a huge tropical storm that flooded our garage (thankfully, not the whole house).

Everything in my life lately has brought me back to that question of Nature and science Vs. God. I have my own theory that God and Nature are two separate things, and that they are both good. I believe in God and I think that He is a guide when everything cannot be explained or justified by science, but he doesn't have a direct influence over our lives. On the other hand, Nature seems more palpable, it is responsible for life and is also a great power of destruction. It seems hard to think that God could be involved in a terrible storm, since we can predict the weather accurately now, evacuate people, and dodge the bullet. If God really wanted to punish us with a hurricane, wouldn't He follow the people who evacuated all over the place? Or maybe He's just content with destroying their property.. No, I really do think that Mother Nature does her own stuff. (Yes I know I sound like a tree-hugger sometimes..)

In this same line of thought, how could I ever consider going to Church? Religious fanatics pretend to know what God wants us to do (can you actually believe God would step in and tell someone that women must wear a wig to cover their hair or that it's forbidden to eat pork? ). Isn't it arrogant of them to think they are so special God would actually only talk to them and to no one else? The way I see it, God is with each of us, he's not only reachable through some "messengers" and whatnuts.
Besides, when you think about it, a soldier with a gun in his hands can decide of someone else's fate just as much as God or Nature could. Some of those soldiers have been brainwashed to think they are doing the will of their God, that God acts through them. They don't realize it, but eventually, it is them who decide to pull the trigger, not God. And isn't it, again, insanely arrogant for someone to believe they have been chosen by God?

I have moral values, not the churchy type of values, mind you, as I could care less if someone likes to watch pr0n or not, I just think that the best way to live in peace is to do nothing that could hurt others. That's the principle I live by.. now. I have done things in the past that I am not particularly proud of, I have made mistakes just like anyone else, and now I aim to clear my conscience, redeem myself in a way.

There's a pattern in my life: escape. Years ago, I fled Paris thinking I could escape from my past, flee my problems, and I went to Canada. I did the same thing again, heading for an even harder place to reach. I'll finish my life surrounded by a bunch of llamas at the top of a mountain, for sure! But now it's time for me to face my problems and stop running, and that's far from being easy. When you start having kids, you must provide them with a safe and stable environment. Being somewhat of a hermit, I cherish solitude. I can't even begin to think what it's gonna be like when someone like me has to go participate in bake sales and other most stimulating group events..
I hope this helped shed some light on my behavior and my sudden disappearances, it's just my nature, I guess.. I'm working on it though, really trying very hard.. Being pregnant is forcing me to make the changes I've always known I had to make, but that I refused to make, probably because running away was always so much easier.

Well, if you are still reading at this point let me applaud you!
That will be the end of my boring and useless ramblings for the day. More to come, I'm sure.. Run away!!